I am an avid parkway driver, mostly because I like driving 80mph, and this is a perfect road to do so. I also feel it is the easiest road in NJ to pretty much get anywhere. (I will calculate where you live by which exit you live closet too) I just absolutely do not understand the class of drivers that feel the need to slam on their brakes for no reason. Everyone is traveling at a great speed, there isn't any traffic, then this guy in the car in front of you slams on his brakes. For what reason? Does he want to get hit? Does he not ever drive and is taking in the scenic view of trees on the parkway? Maybe he has never seen someone with a flat tire pulled over. The person who brakes for no reason, obviously does not get out much. All drivers have seen a cop before, so when you pass him, you do not need to slam on the brakes and go 40mph. Do you think you are being slick? If I was a cop I'd pull you over for annoying the other drivers. People that speed, know how to drive. It's idiots that do things like this that cause accidents.
My message goes out to you, stay off the parkway and out of our way. People use this road to get places quick! Being that you like to brake so much, Route 9 or 35 is a much better option for you. You will be able to brake all you want.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
The Dirty Guy
So it's Friday night. You go on a date. Meet a great guy, have a great time. He pays, you make out. Top 10 of dates. You continue to talk, and he invites you to his apartment. Obviously you are attracted to the guy, so you go. You go thinking there will be a couch, a bed, and normal living conditions. This to my surprise, this was not the case. I will enlighten you with a recent experience.
I arrive to his apartment, just looking to have a nice relaxing evening. I pulled up to his building, and felt like I was in the projects. A dingy brick building, that no one should live in. He meets me in the parking lot to walk in. I walk through the front door, oh wait no I didn't because it was missing. The halls smelt like curry and cat pee. The doors were gross steel doors, like in a college dorm room. I am clearly like, what the hell am i doing at this point. We walk up to his apartment on the third floor, where clearly some drug dealers are living because people are doing secret knocks to get into the doors. I walk into his apartment and I couldn't believe my eyes. Now I can handle many scenarios but for this I had no words. There were dirty dishes piled all over the counter, over flowing in the sink and also on the stove. Gross! It smelt strange and I cant pin point the scent but I think it's grim. I put my head down and we walk into his bedroom. He proceeds to tell me his room mate is messy. (not really sure where he fits the roommate because the apartment is a 2 by 4). This is much worse than a messy roommate. His bedroom is not as much of a bedroom as it is a jail cell possibly because of the bars on the windows. His bed is not a bed, but a box spring with a mattress. What man, who does not like in a shore house, calls this a bed?? He only had a fitted sheet on the mattress and one pillow. No blankets. The sheet also looked like it had been on the bed for years. If I sat on the bed, there is a good chance I would have gotten Chlamydia. The desk, which barely fit in the room, was covered in crap. Opened half eaten yogurt, dirty tissues, chewed gum, empty soda cans filled with cigarette butts, were covering the desk. The book shelf was completely broken and has now become a resting spot for empty protein shake containers. There was defiantly some sort of animal living in all the crap. Thank God there was TV, or I would have left. I don't think I've ever been so turned off by someone so cute. I even waited to get to Quick Check to pee. I couldn't even imagine the bathroom.
At 27 yrs old, a man should not be living in dirt and grim. A person of stature(PS this guy is a pharmacist), with a good job should know what dish soap and laundry detergent are. Girls, all in all, its good I went to the wasteland of an apartment. I would have continued enjoying free drinks and dinners and never knew of his secret gross place. Date 2, see their place therefore you can make the call about date 3.
I arrive to his apartment, just looking to have a nice relaxing evening. I pulled up to his building, and felt like I was in the projects. A dingy brick building, that no one should live in. He meets me in the parking lot to walk in. I walk through the front door, oh wait no I didn't because it was missing. The halls smelt like curry and cat pee. The doors were gross steel doors, like in a college dorm room. I am clearly like, what the hell am i doing at this point. We walk up to his apartment on the third floor, where clearly some drug dealers are living because people are doing secret knocks to get into the doors. I walk into his apartment and I couldn't believe my eyes. Now I can handle many scenarios but for this I had no words. There were dirty dishes piled all over the counter, over flowing in the sink and also on the stove. Gross! It smelt strange and I cant pin point the scent but I think it's grim. I put my head down and we walk into his bedroom. He proceeds to tell me his room mate is messy. (not really sure where he fits the roommate because the apartment is a 2 by 4). This is much worse than a messy roommate. His bedroom is not as much of a bedroom as it is a jail cell possibly because of the bars on the windows. His bed is not a bed, but a box spring with a mattress. What man, who does not like in a shore house, calls this a bed?? He only had a fitted sheet on the mattress and one pillow. No blankets. The sheet also looked like it had been on the bed for years. If I sat on the bed, there is a good chance I would have gotten Chlamydia. The desk, which barely fit in the room, was covered in crap. Opened half eaten yogurt, dirty tissues, chewed gum, empty soda cans filled with cigarette butts, were covering the desk. The book shelf was completely broken and has now become a resting spot for empty protein shake containers. There was defiantly some sort of animal living in all the crap. Thank God there was TV, or I would have left. I don't think I've ever been so turned off by someone so cute. I even waited to get to Quick Check to pee. I couldn't even imagine the bathroom.
At 27 yrs old, a man should not be living in dirt and grim. A person of stature(PS this guy is a pharmacist), with a good job should know what dish soap and laundry detergent are. Girls, all in all, its good I went to the wasteland of an apartment. I would have continued enjoying free drinks and dinners and never knew of his secret gross place. Date 2, see their place therefore you can make the call about date 3.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Walk Of Shame
Girls, this is something we all have done at some point. The walk of shame is nothing to be looked down upon on. This is the definition that you had an awesome night and most likely people are jealous.
If you have done the walk of shame you are aware when you see this girl at any local store. She is still in last nights make-up, outfit, and she is rocking some 6inch heels at the Wawa, just because she is in dire need of anything to drink that doesn't involve vodka. There is not a need to make fun of this girl, but you should feel her pain if anything. The absolute worst walk of shame is when you do not have sunglasses in the morning. As if it's not bad enough she is trying to scrounge through her wet money which is rolled up into a ball in her clutch, all while holding her shoes, people are giving her dirty looks. Clearly they can see she has had a rough night, why not give her a break, or a slice of pizza. These people are all just filled with jealousy and clearly have never had a good night in their entire life. And the guy working the dunkin donuts counter always has to make a smart remark like, "oh you must have had a good night". Obviously, any girl is too hungover to respond, but wants to really kick his ass. Like, bro you work at dunkin donuts, my life is clearly a bit better.
If you have never seen any of these girls, maybe you should wake up around 8am and visit a dunkin donuts or Wawa in Belamr or Point. When I see a girl, it just reminds me of the good old days of trying to steal a bike so at least I can do the ride of shame in the smallest black dress at the Jersey Shore. People wonder why I always went out in sunglasses, and this is the reason. You never know what morning will bring.
So losers who have never had any fun, stop making fun of these girls. It makes great stories to tell...and girls, keep doing the walk of shame. There is nothing shameful about it.
If you have done the walk of shame you are aware when you see this girl at any local store. She is still in last nights make-up, outfit, and she is rocking some 6inch heels at the Wawa, just because she is in dire need of anything to drink that doesn't involve vodka. There is not a need to make fun of this girl, but you should feel her pain if anything. The absolute worst walk of shame is when you do not have sunglasses in the morning. As if it's not bad enough she is trying to scrounge through her wet money which is rolled up into a ball in her clutch, all while holding her shoes, people are giving her dirty looks. Clearly they can see she has had a rough night, why not give her a break, or a slice of pizza. These people are all just filled with jealousy and clearly have never had a good night in their entire life. And the guy working the dunkin donuts counter always has to make a smart remark like, "oh you must have had a good night". Obviously, any girl is too hungover to respond, but wants to really kick his ass. Like, bro you work at dunkin donuts, my life is clearly a bit better.
If you have never seen any of these girls, maybe you should wake up around 8am and visit a dunkin donuts or Wawa in Belamr or Point. When I see a girl, it just reminds me of the good old days of trying to steal a bike so at least I can do the ride of shame in the smallest black dress at the Jersey Shore. People wonder why I always went out in sunglasses, and this is the reason. You never know what morning will bring.
So losers who have never had any fun, stop making fun of these girls. It makes great stories to tell...and girls, keep doing the walk of shame. There is nothing shameful about it.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Dailys Part 2
This weekend, like most weekends, I attended the beach. To my astonishment, the dailys seem to be getting worse. I didn't think it was possible but I was proved wrong this weekend. Clearly, these dailys had a card game the night before, because they brought a folding chair, (yes a folding chair) to the beach. I have no words to descibe a situation like this one. I was appalled, but not surprised by their naked baby running around the beach. I mean who really dresses their kids at home anymore?? Oh, normal people do!!! And just so everyone is informed, in case the last rant didn't clear everything up, here are some more ways to spot "the dailys":
- un-pedicured toes (I mean why people go out with hangnails and gross feet are beyond me)
- they do not speak English
- they use the same quilt for the beach as they do for sleeping
- they drown
- they put on sun-screen in the most obscure way (meaning they have hand print on their back and finger marks all over)
- they do not know how to get to the beach (meaning they go down one ways, do not spot for pedestrians, and drive 12mph)
- they park in metered spots, because they are too stupid to know where free parking is (which is most likely across the street)
- they pay $10 for a lemonade (it's not that big guys)
- they do not know you need a badge to get on the beach (Badges were created to keep these people off the beach)
- they do not even know what tanning oil is
- they do not own sunglasses (unless they recievd free ones at a wedding or some sort of party)
- they scream (which interupts regulars naps and this is just rude to those bronzing)
Friday, June 17, 2011
Soffe Shorts
Soffe Shorts as a fashion statement is right up there with pink be-dazzled football jerseys. These are not to technically be meant to be worn out of the house. Soffe Shorts are fine apparel for athletes wearing them to practice, or children. They should not be worn when a person is close to 30, and have kiss me, or playgirl written on the back. This is not even gym appropriate.
There are drunken moments when these shorts can be worn, possible with a location written on the back, like Squan. Again, this should not be worn to a bar....EVER!!
Yes, this item is a staple item of boardwalk across America, this does not by any means mean they are fashionable. I'm just placing this knowledge forward, so those of you can be better informed. Soffe Shorts can be worn drunk at home, but never in public. I hope I can help some Americans not have the droopy ass look by being in these shorts.
There are drunken moments when these shorts can be worn, possible with a location written on the back, like Squan. Again, this should not be worn to a bar....EVER!!
Yes, this item is a staple item of boardwalk across America, this does not by any means mean they are fashionable. I'm just placing this knowledge forward, so those of you can be better informed. Soffe Shorts can be worn drunk at home, but never in public. I hope I can help some Americans not have the droopy ass look by being in these shorts.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Why I'll Always Pick a Guido...
I for one can say, I have definitely been on my fair share of first dates. Some good, some bad, and some I would choose to forget. Some people would say, I don't have a type because I have been out with many different types of guys. Clearly, I do favorite a type, and that is "the guido". Some people hate this guy, but for me there is nothing better.
Guidos get a terrible rap in the real world, due to the douche bags of the Jersey Shore. Sure guidos have spikey hair, rhinestone t-shirts, perfect eyebrows, are perfectly spray tanned, drive expensive cars, and have definitely worked in a pizzeria in their lifetime, but the fist-pumping, attitude is mostly just a front. Guidos treat their women well! (Maybe because most of them still live home with Ma and Pa). A guido will always open a door for you, including the car door. They will always pay without a question asked. If a girl tried to pay on a date with a guido, that would insult him. Girls save your money for a spray tan, they like treating their women. They will always walk you to the bathroom, and stand up when you stand in a dinner setting. Just the old school respectable Italian values. They will walk you to your door after a date. What girl doesn't like be treated like she is the queen of the world sometimes??? A guido will always call you. Not text. Call! A guido will also always plan a date. They will not be an indesisive guy who cant even pick a place to have dinner. He's a man's man and is able to make simple decsion.
A guido will always be dressed for the occasion. You will not find this breed rocking a "coors light" shirt that they won at the bar last week on any date. They will be coordinated from head to toe. Plus, if a guido takes you out, you will not be riding in a hoopty or pick-up truck. It will be something with leather seats. For the most part they all have good bodies (and I'm not talking about juice heads, I'm talking about natural gym rats). Who does'nt want to have nice big muscles wrapped around them? Girls who play dungeons and dragons and perform witchcraft are the only freaks who wouldn't.
So America, stop giving guidos a bag rap. Everyone needs a little love. Give guidos a chance, or at least stop picking on this wonderful breed.
Guidos get a terrible rap in the real world, due to the douche bags of the Jersey Shore. Sure guidos have spikey hair, rhinestone t-shirts, perfect eyebrows, are perfectly spray tanned, drive expensive cars, and have definitely worked in a pizzeria in their lifetime, but the fist-pumping, attitude is mostly just a front. Guidos treat their women well! (Maybe because most of them still live home with Ma and Pa). A guido will always open a door for you, including the car door. They will always pay without a question asked. If a girl tried to pay on a date with a guido, that would insult him. Girls save your money for a spray tan, they like treating their women. They will always walk you to the bathroom, and stand up when you stand in a dinner setting. Just the old school respectable Italian values. They will walk you to your door after a date. What girl doesn't like be treated like she is the queen of the world sometimes??? A guido will always call you. Not text. Call! A guido will also always plan a date. They will not be an indesisive guy who cant even pick a place to have dinner. He's a man's man and is able to make simple decsion.
A guido will always be dressed for the occasion. You will not find this breed rocking a "coors light" shirt that they won at the bar last week on any date. They will be coordinated from head to toe. Plus, if a guido takes you out, you will not be riding in a hoopty or pick-up truck. It will be something with leather seats. For the most part they all have good bodies (and I'm not talking about juice heads, I'm talking about natural gym rats). Who does'nt want to have nice big muscles wrapped around them? Girls who play dungeons and dragons and perform witchcraft are the only freaks who wouldn't.
So America, stop giving guidos a bag rap. Everyone needs a little love. Give guidos a chance, or at least stop picking on this wonderful breed.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Elite Class Of NJ Convertible Owners
Dear NJ Convertible Drivers,
Being in this caliber of individuals to be able to own this wonderful vehicle, please actually use this vehicle correctly! We only get a few awesome convertible months and you're driving with the top up! What's your issue? Convertible rules are anything over 52 degrees, top down! You have heat, that can be use if your toes get chilly. It also doesn't matter how hot it is, cars have this thing called air conditioning that can cool you off. Also, what's the point of owning a convertible if you have the windows up? Put them down for God sakes, the roof is open. Get over your hair blowing in the wind, it's suppose to. Buy a hat if you are concerned. Fedoras are in style.
Please also be considerate of your fellow convertible people. If you pass one, it is proper to beep. If you get stuck at a red light, ask how the others day is going, do not try and drag race the 80yr old man in the Porsche. It is OK to blast your music for all to hear. It is also OK to sing along and rock out. If people stare, who cares. You purchased an item giving people a first row view, so do not get upset by this.
If your not going to use your convertible, please sell it and give a young chap or an old gezier the opportunity to enjoy it.
Being in this caliber of individuals to be able to own this wonderful vehicle, please actually use this vehicle correctly! We only get a few awesome convertible months and you're driving with the top up! What's your issue? Convertible rules are anything over 52 degrees, top down! You have heat, that can be use if your toes get chilly. It also doesn't matter how hot it is, cars have this thing called air conditioning that can cool you off. Also, what's the point of owning a convertible if you have the windows up? Put them down for God sakes, the roof is open. Get over your hair blowing in the wind, it's suppose to. Buy a hat if you are concerned. Fedoras are in style.
Please also be considerate of your fellow convertible people. If you pass one, it is proper to beep. If you get stuck at a red light, ask how the others day is going, do not try and drag race the 80yr old man in the Porsche. It is OK to blast your music for all to hear. It is also OK to sing along and rock out. If people stare, who cares. You purchased an item giving people a first row view, so do not get upset by this.
If your not going to use your convertible, please sell it and give a young chap or an old gezier the opportunity to enjoy it.
Thanks,
Classy Convertible Driver Of NJ
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The True Meaning Of Oaf
Oaf. It is a word in the English vocabulary that gets thrown around in many different situations. The true definition of oaf is a stupid, large clumsy person, that acts oafishly. I've come across many oafs in my short span of life and have been able to conspire a list of ways to spot an oaf. They have tendencies, and are pretty predictable. They are located everywhere! They can be the person serving you your plate of dinner, or counting your change at the bank. Do not get sucked it to this breed. Here are some warning signs that you may be an oaf (or even associate with oaf-a-licious people):
This breed cannot be helped. An oaf can never be changed into a normal human. If you attempt this, the oaf can suck you into their oaf world. Please be careful out there. The world has enough of them. Let them be. I mean, c'mon, we need someone serving us our greasy food on hungover days!!
- one who can eat a rice krispy treat in one bite (but really needs the Costco size bars to satisfy any hunger)
- Mudd Jeans (Oafs were these as if they are some sort of brand and think they look good)
- Sweaty (not like hungover meat Schweatty, but like dripping down face sweat just from standing up)
- able to consume a plate of nachos in under a minute (this is without being part of any competitive eating)
- visiting Sonic as part of your daily ritual. This seems to be the homeland for oafs. I'm not sure what they give out there, but it must be something that keeps these lazy, buffoons going there.
- are keeping all lines at all fast food places long
- wear dirty white flip flops
- consume at least 2 cin-a-buns a week
- talk in an oafish voice that is not enjoyable to anyone
- constantly post pictures of your meals on facebook
- are a "daily" at the beach
- can be spotted at any local walmart
- drink Mr. Pibb
- talk in baby voices with fellow oafs
- think "grande" is the largest size at Starbucks
- eats mayo with a spoon
- works at Chick-Fila
- drives a stupid car, like a mini-cooper or smart car (only an oaf would purchase that)
- carries a fake bag and states it is real (cleary your bag says COUCH not COACH you dumb oaf)
This breed cannot be helped. An oaf can never be changed into a normal human. If you attempt this, the oaf can suck you into their oaf world. Please be careful out there. The world has enough of them. Let them be. I mean, c'mon, we need someone serving us our greasy food on hungover days!!
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Dailys
There are many things about Jersey I love, but like any play there are also many annoyances. I love the shore and can sit on the beach for hours upon hours( mostly Squan, Belmar or Point). It is a peaceful magical place, until the arrival of the Dailys! These are a group of people who are ruining Jersey beaches. They do not understand what it is like to go to the beach, and what a beach environment is. These are not beach people. These people come to the beach once a year and are just the most uncoordinated group ever!
Non-Dailys, or Regulars, have seasonal beach badges, chairs, towels, sandals, matching cover-ups, books, and beach etiquette. The Dailys are polar opposites. Let me enlighten you, Dailys are:
If you or anyone you know has 2 or more of these qualities, I'm sorry to tell you but you are a Daily. They should a have a special beach for these types of people. And if you feel the need to keep coming to our beaches, please just be considerate.
Non-Dailys, or Regulars, have seasonal beach badges, chairs, towels, sandals, matching cover-ups, books, and beach etiquette. The Dailys are polar opposites. Let me enlighten you, Dailys are:
- the people you see at the beach sitting on a fitted sheet they ripped off there bed (Dailys do not always have beach chairs)
- the people who do not know how to screw an umbrella into the sand, therefore it hits a regular in the head while they are trying to nap
- they are wearing socks and sneakers
- they sit literally on top of you (when the entire beach is empty)
- they let their garbage blow all over the beach (even though the trash can is about 10 feet away)
- they were jean shorts instead of a bathing suit
- their children are naked as oppose to having some sort of swimsuit on
- they do not swim between the flags
- if a Daily happens to have a beach chair, they paid about $75 for it because they just purchased it from the most expensive shop in town
- they lose their kids on the beach
- they kick sand on your towel or blanket every time they walk by
- they are the palest people on the beach (normally)
- they do not have any reading material
- they sit in camping pop up chairs that blow all over the beach
If you or anyone you know has 2 or more of these qualities, I'm sorry to tell you but you are a Daily. They should a have a special beach for these types of people. And if you feel the need to keep coming to our beaches, please just be considerate.
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