You Know You May Be Intoxicated If...(Alexis's Birthday Edition)

So we all may be getting a little old, but we still apparently know how to have a grand ol' time!  Friday night, was no exception.  So in typically blogging fashion, you know you may be intoxicated if:
-You remember being at a bar, but were not with anyone you came with
-You lose things, such as cameras
-You sing Wilson Philips at the top of your lungs
-You clearly drank all of the vodka at the bar, judging from your tab
-You cant remember who signed the check or tipped the bartender
-You make it all the way home, but them hit the car in the driveway
-You take pictures with your ex-boyfriends friends, because you want the flash to blind him
-You ask someone to send you pictures of floating penises
-You think throwing pizza boxes out of windows is completely acceptable
-You may have burnt your pants on the fire outside the bar
-You wake up on the sun
-You leave your jewelery in a candle because you thought it was a bowl
-You buy random people standing next to you shots
-You drink all of the water in Totowa the next morning
-You drive all the way to Brooklyn to get bagels (or kneaded the dough for the bagel, it's still up in the air)

And you absolutely know you were intoxicated, when you are unable to function for a full 48hrs.  You are so hungover you cannot even man up to go out.  You can barely drive...actually, you can barely walk.

All in all these qualities only mean you had a pretty awesome night.  I hope you enjoyed your birthday Lex, clearly the rest of us did!

Christmas Music

Why is it Christmas music can only be played from Black Friday, til New Years Eve?  It's the happiest music on earth but gets denied it's joy because there are too many Scrooges in the world.  I do agree this should not be played year round, because then what would people look forward to.  However, I feel as if some sort of petition should be started so Christmas music is acceptable for a solid 60 days. This should start on October 25th.  I mean it's not like it's going to hurt anyone.  Plus who really cares about Thanksgiving.  If you ask my opinion, it's a holiday for oafs.  You sit around and stuff your face until you can't even move....this is exactly what an oaf does on a day to day basis.  Plus there are no fun songs to compliment this holiday. 

I bet when most of you hear Mariah (AKA the GOD of Christmas music), you get excited and completely stop in your tracks.  Or what about a little Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays...who wasn't an Nsync fan in the nineties?!?!?! 

Maybe it's just me and I'm more joyful than all of you.  I personally love rockin around the Christmas tree, to jingle bell rock!!

The Difference in Being 22 and 28....

For the past 4 years, I have been the ripe age of 23.  It's the best age anyone can be, until you're actually not it anymore.  You realize that you're going to bed before 9, you have one drink and are wasted, and can't even imagine going out on a week night; you realize, "Oh My God!  I'm in my late 20's"!!  This is a tough thing to realize.  To help all of America with this realization I'm outlined some tips to help you spot that you are not longer in your early 20's:
-You wear a coat to the bar, while all the youngens run jacket-less in the freezing cold.
-You need more than a few hours to recover from a hangover (like a good 2 days)
-You can't puke and rally
-You wear clothes to the bar when you use to go out in bascially nothing
-You've gained a few extra pounds (Not that many just like 5)
-You can't make out with someone random on the dance floor
-You have a real job (that you have to go to not hungover)
-You cannot go out all night, not sleep and go to work
-Once you are drunk, you can't stay up and chat all night, you pass out (well before the sun rises)
-You wear a cover up on the beach, instead of just walking around in your bikini
-You go out at 9 when you use to not even get ready until 11
-You have a savings account
-The shows that come on passed 10pm, need to be DVR'ed because you can't keep your eyes open that long
-You don't mix vodka with water thinking it will keep you hydrated!!  (you have learned your lesson)
-You're happy wearing flats and not 6 inchers
-Your Halloween costume consists of more than booty shorts and pasties
-21yr olds annoy you
-People think you're old

I had to learn this the hard way.  It's not easy realizing your nearing death any day now, but I guess we all have to grow up sometime.  I hope I have helped those of you reading this....it's ok to get older, just never turn 30!

Ode to Cherry Vodka

It all started on the eve of the new year, no one was quite in the mood for beer.
We asked the bartender for some firefly, when he said "NO", I thought it was a lie.
We were in a bind, what to drink, we need a good find. 
I ordered some cherry and diets, with each sip we all turned quite. 
From that moment on three olives cherry was the drink, which was awesome because it was not girly and pink. 
With each taste it was like heaven on your lips, this was just something everyone loved to sip. 
This drink can get you into alot of trouble, you cant taste the liquor but then all the sudden you see double.  Red Bull may give you wings but cherry vodka gives you swagger, it makes you think you do move like Jagger. 
There is a downfall to this heavenly treat, it's called the hangover from hell, which is not a great feat.

Pink Jerseys

Being that the best season is approaching, that being football season, it reminds me of something that  bothers me more than any thing in the world.  This being the Pink Football Jersey.  Why was this item even invented?  All this does is bring out even more fake football fans.  Your boyfriend doesn't care if your supporting his team in your pink jersey, he would rather you pipe down and sit in the corner silently, since you clearly have no idea what is going on.  These girls are not real fans.  They cheer at inappropriate times, and cannot name any players on the team. You also very rarely see a girl in a pink jersey eating wings. ( which is also Un-American on football Sunday).  This girl is also the most annoying person at a game or a bar.  Please do not ask me questions about players or what just happened, you will not understand anyway.  Take the stupid rhinestones that are falling off the jersey and go sit at a table with children, because that is what you look like in this item, a child!  Also if you are in a pink jersey, please do not try to high five me when something great happens, that you have no idea of.  You're a fake fan and fake person, and I will not support this.  I personally suggest we take a stand against this terrible item and have pink jerseys banned from all sporting events.  They do not belong there.  Be a real fan and support your team, or don't be a fan at all....stupid pink jerseys!

Bikini Bottoms Are Not Pants

On my many Jersey Shore adventures, I discover many things, which I'm sure you may have noticed by now.  Attention girls: bikini bottoms are meant to be worn on the beach now in bars.  I completely understand going to a bar in a cover up, this is totally acceptable.  It is not acceptable to walk in with a wife beater which is too short for you and no bottoms, with your crack showing.  No one finds this attractive. 

The girls who tend to do this are also not the girls that should.  Why wouldn't your friends tell you and your thunder thighs need to put on shorts, a romper, a dress, even a freakin towel to cover up.  Especially when you are leaning over the bar trying to get drinks, (and think you should be served immediately because you are the hottest girl there) your ass is hanging out.  Not a little, but a lot. 

Most people do not want to sit in a seat after you have left, because your gross.  Guys do not like this.  Plus you are leaving your self open to anyone walking by to pull those babies down.  Do you not have any self respect or a mirror?  (there's one in every bathroom) 

All in all I have a message to the 17yr old bouncers, do not let these people in places.  They are ruining the shore along with the dailys!

Un-Pedicured Toes

All I have to say about this is seriously!?!?  In this day and age to find a women wearing a sandal, wedge, or flip flop with out a pedicure or some polish on their toes is just disgusting.  There is really no excuse for this type of faus paux.  I see people who are on food stamps paint their toes, which means people who are in Lord and Taylor can afford the $20 pedi.  Like why aren't your toes painted?  Did someone tell you that your natural nail color is attractive?  If so, they lied. 

Also why is that the people with the un-pedicured toes, have the worst looking feet.  These are the women with the hammer toes, missing nails, and toe hair.  They are the same women who try to squish their feet in a size 6 shoe when they are an 8.  That's not a good look ladies. 

If you are lucky enough to have not ran into any of these women, visit your local Costco.  They are in line for the free samples.  I'm sure you can find a good amount of these women in the shoe aisle of Wal-Mart, thinking they are buying designer shoes. These women are disgusting and really should not be allowed out.  Wear a sneaker or a pump.  Peep toes were meant for people with cute hot pink painted toes, not for toe fungus infested feet. 

All in all, if your toes are not painted, don't wear an open toed shoe.  No one wants to see that.

It's All About the Benjamins

If you are a female, live in New Jersey and have been to a bar with a band, you absolutely know who the Benjamin's are! ( or Benjis for short).  They are by far, Jersey's best cover band and best looking for that matter.  There's nothing like witnessing Joe Benjamin flip his mic, with sweat dripping down his face, while singing "Take Me Home Tonight".  (he can take me home any night)  What girl doesn't like a group of men serenading her to her favorite 80's music???  No one in Jersey will disagree with this. 

The Benjis have been around for many years, dating all the way back to the good ol' days of Park City.  Some people may say they are getting a bit old, but in my opinion they are hotter than ever.  Age has treated them great and they still sound amazing.  No one can sing Gaga like they can!  Sure Bitter X will try, but they are no Benjis.  There are many bands trying to get the Jersey Shore fame that the Benjis have.  These bands are all just imposters and losers and a good chance oafs.  For example, Dog Voices.  Dog Voices are awful.  I wouldn't put my dog through listening to their sound.  They are also not sexy and if they tried to flip a microphone, it would hit some middle aged women in the head, and she would not be happy.  Plus they are the only cover band with an album and original songs....I mean, 17 March...Best Song Ever!

So, yes, I might be a bit of a Benji groupie, but if you saw them, you would be as well.  I'm going to be that "middle-aged woman" trying to dance on stage and sing with the band. 


  *************************DEDICATED TO L.P*************************************

Braking Without A Purpose (Parkway Edition)

I am an avid parkway driver, mostly because I like driving 80mph, and this is a perfect road to do so.  I also feel it is the easiest road in NJ to pretty much get anywhere. (I will calculate where you live by which exit you live closet too)  I just absolutely do not understand the class of drivers that feel the need to slam on their brakes for no reason.  Everyone is traveling at a great speed, there isn't any traffic, then this guy in the car in front of you slams on his brakes. For what reason?  Does he want to get hit?  Does he not ever drive and is taking in the scenic view of trees on the parkway?  Maybe he has never seen someone with a flat tire pulled over.  The person who brakes for no reason, obviously does not get out much.  All drivers have seen a cop before, so when you pass him, you do not need to slam on the brakes and go 40mph.  Do you think you are being slick?  If I was a cop I'd pull you over for annoying the other drivers.  People that speed, know how to drive.  It's idiots that do things like this that cause accidents.

My message goes out to you, stay off the parkway and out of our way.  People use this road to get places quick!  Being that you like to brake so much, Route 9 or 35 is a much better option for you.  You will be able to brake all you want.

The Dirty Guy

So it's Friday night.  You go on a date.  Meet a great guy, have a great time.  He pays, you make out.  Top 10 of dates.  You continue to talk, and he invites you to his apartment.  Obviously you are attracted to the guy, so you go.  You go thinking there will be a couch, a bed, and normal living conditions. This to my surprise, this was not the case.  I will enlighten you with a recent experience. 

I arrive to his apartment, just looking to have a nice relaxing evening.  I pulled up to his building, and felt like I was in the projects.  A dingy brick building, that no one should live in.  He meets me in the parking lot to walk in.  I walk through the front door, oh wait no I didn't because it was missing.  The halls smelt like curry and cat pee.  The doors were gross steel doors, like in a college dorm room.  I am clearly like, what the hell am i doing at this point.  We walk up to his apartment on the third floor, where clearly some drug dealers are living because people are doing secret knocks to get into the doors.  I walk into his apartment and I couldn't believe my eyes.  Now I can handle many scenarios but for this I had no words.  There were dirty dishes piled all over the counter, over flowing in the sink and also on the stove.  Gross!  It smelt strange and I cant pin point the scent but I think it's grim.  I put my head down and we walk into his bedroom.  He proceeds to tell me his room mate is messy.  (not really sure where he fits the roommate because the apartment is a 2 by 4).  This is much worse than a messy roommate.  His bedroom is not as much of a bedroom as it is a jail cell possibly because of the bars on the windows. His bed is not a bed, but a box spring with a mattress.  What man, who does not like in a shore house, calls this a bed??  He only had a fitted sheet on the mattress and one pillow. No blankets.  The sheet also looked like it had been on the bed for years. If I sat on the bed, there is a good chance I would have gotten Chlamydia. The desk, which barely fit in the room, was covered in crap.  Opened half eaten yogurt, dirty tissues, chewed gum, empty soda cans filled with cigarette butts, were covering the desk.  The book shelf was completely broken and has now become a resting spot for empty protein shake containers. There was defiantly some sort of animal living in all the crap. Thank God there was TV, or I would have left. I don't think I've ever been so turned off by someone so cute.  I even waited to get to Quick Check to pee.  I couldn't even imagine the bathroom.

At 27 yrs old, a man should not be living in dirt and grim.  A person of stature(PS this guy is a pharmacist), with a good job should know what dish soap and laundry detergent are.  Girls, all in all, its good I went to the wasteland of an apartment.  I would have continued enjoying free drinks and dinners and never knew of his secret gross place.  Date 2, see their place therefore you can make the call about date 3.

The Walk Of Shame

Girls, this is something we all have done at some point.  The walk of shame is nothing to be looked down upon on.  This is the definition that you had an awesome night and most likely people are jealous.

If you have done the walk of shame you are aware when you see this girl at any local store. She is still in last nights make-up, outfit, and she is rocking some 6inch heels at the Wawa, just because she is in dire need of anything to drink that doesn't involve vodka.  There is not a need to make fun of this girl, but you should feel her pain if anything.  The absolute worst walk of shame is when you do not have sunglasses in the morning.  As if it's not bad enough she is trying to scrounge through her wet money which is rolled up into a ball in her clutch, all while holding her shoes, people are giving her dirty looks.  Clearly they can see she has had  a rough night, why not give her a break, or a slice of pizza.  These people are all just filled with jealousy and clearly have never had a good night in their entire life.  And the guy working the dunkin donuts counter always has to make a smart remark like, "oh you must have had a good night".  Obviously, any girl is too hungover to respond, but wants to really kick his ass. Like, bro you work at dunkin donuts, my life is clearly a bit better. 

If you have never seen any of these girls, maybe you should wake up around 8am and visit a dunkin donuts or Wawa in Belamr or Point.  When I see a girl, it just reminds me of the good old days of trying to steal a bike so at least I can do the ride of shame in the smallest black dress at the Jersey Shore.  People wonder why I always went out in sunglasses, and this is the reason.  You never know what morning will bring. 

So losers who have never had any fun, stop making fun of these girls.  It makes great stories to tell...and girls, keep doing the walk of shame.  There is nothing shameful about it.

The Dailys Part 2

This weekend, like most weekends, I attended the beach.  To my astonishment, the dailys seem to be getting worse.  I didn't think it was possible but I was proved wrong this weekend.  Clearly, these dailys had a card game the night before, because they brought a folding chair, (yes a folding chair) to the beach.  I have no words to descibe a situation like this one.  I was appalled, but not surprised by their naked baby running around the beach.  I mean who really dresses their kids at home anymore??  Oh, normal people do!!!  And just so everyone is informed, in case the last rant didn't clear everything up, here are some more ways to spot "the dailys":

• un-pedicured toes (I mean why people go out with hangnails and gross feet are beyond me)
• they do not speak English
• they use the same quilt for the beach as they do for sleeping
• they drown
• they put on sun-screen in the most obscure way (meaning they have hand print on their back and finger marks all over)
• they do not know how to get to the beach (meaning they go down one ways, do not spot for pedestrians, and drive 12mph)
• they park in metered spots, because they are too stupid to know where free parking is (which is most likely across the street)
• they pay $10 for a lemonade (it's not that big guys)
• they do not know you need a badge to get on the beach (Badges were created to keep these people off the beach)
• they do not even know what tanning oil is
• they do not own sunglasses (unless they recievd free ones at a wedding or some sort of party)
• they scream (which interupts regulars naps and this is just rude to those bronzing)

I just can not get over the fact that these people are allowed on the beach.  There should be some sort of screening process, like at the airport.  I will be happy to volunteer my time to help the "regulars"

Soffe Shorts

Soffe Shorts as a fashion statement is right up there with pink be-dazzled football jerseys.  These are not to technically be meant to be worn out of the house.  Soffe Shorts are fine apparel for athletes wearing them to practice, or children.  They should not be worn when a person is close to 30, and have kiss me, or playgirl written on the back.  This is not even gym appropriate. 

There are drunken moments when these shorts can be worn, possible with a location written on the back, like Squan.  Again, this should not be worn to a bar....EVER!! 

Yes, this item is a staple item of boardwalk across America, this does not by any means mean they are fashionable.  I'm just placing this knowledge forward, so those of you can be better informed.  Soffe Shorts can be worn drunk at home, but never in public.  I hope I can help some Americans not have the droopy ass look by being in these shorts. 

Why I'll Always Pick a Guido...

I for one can say, I have definitely been on my fair share of first dates.  Some good, some bad, and some I would choose to forget.  Some people would say, I don't have a type because I have been out with many different types of guys.  Clearly, I do favorite a type, and that is "the guido".  Some people hate this guy, but for me there is nothing better. 

Guidos get a terrible rap in the real world, due to the douche bags of the Jersey Shore.  Sure guidos have spikey hair, rhinestone t-shirts, perfect eyebrows, are perfectly spray tanned, drive expensive cars, and have definitely worked in a pizzeria in their lifetime, but the fist-pumping, attitude is mostly just a front.  Guidos treat their women well! (Maybe because most of them still live home with Ma and Pa).  A guido will always open a door for you, including the car door.  They will always pay without a question asked.  If a girl tried to pay on a date with a guido, that would insult him.  Girls save your money for a spray tan, they like treating their women.  They will always walk you to the bathroom, and stand up when you stand in a dinner setting.  Just the old school respectable Italian values.  They will walk you to your door after a date.  What girl doesn't like be treated like she is the queen of the world sometimes???    A guido will always call you.  Not text. Call!  A guido will also always plan a date.  They will not be an indesisive guy who cant even pick a place to have dinner.  He's a man's man and is able to make simple decsion.
A guido will always be dressed for the occasion.  You will not find this breed rocking a "coors light" shirt that they won at the bar last week on any date.  They will be coordinated from head to toe.  Plus, if a guido takes you out, you will not be riding in a hoopty or pick-up truck.  It will be something with leather seats.  For the most part they all have good bodies (and I'm not talking about juice heads, I'm talking about natural gym rats).  Who does'nt want to have nice big muscles wrapped around them?  Girls who play dungeons and dragons and perform witchcraft are the only freaks who wouldn't.

So America, stop giving guidos a bag rap.  Everyone needs a little love.  Give guidos a chance, or at least stop picking on this wonderful breed.

The Elite Class Of NJ Convertible Owners

Dear NJ Convertible Drivers,

Being in this caliber of individuals to be able to own this wonderful vehicle, please actually use this vehicle correctly!  We only get a few awesome convertible months and you're driving with the top up!  What's your issue?  Convertible rules are anything over 52 degrees, top down!  You have heat, that can be use if your toes get chilly. It also doesn't matter how hot it is, cars have this thing called air conditioning that can cool you off. Also, what's the point of owning a convertible if you have the windows up?  Put them down for God sakes, the roof is open.  Get over your hair blowing in the wind, it's suppose to.  Buy a hat if you are concerned.  Fedoras are in style.

Please also be considerate of your fellow convertible people.  If you pass one, it is proper to beep.  If you get stuck at a red light, ask how the others day is going, do not try and drag race the 80yr old man in the Porsche.  It is OK to blast your music for all to hear.  It is also OK to sing along and rock out.  If people stare, who cares.  You purchased an item giving people a first row view, so do not get upset by this.

If your not going to use your convertible, please sell it and give a young chap or an old gezier the opportunity to enjoy it.

Thanks,

Classy Convertible Driver Of NJ

The True Meaning Of Oaf

Oaf.  It is a word in the English vocabulary that gets thrown around in many different situations.  The true definition of oaf is a stupid, large clumsy person, that acts oafishly.  I've come across many oafs in my short span of life and have been able to conspire a list of ways to spot an oaf.  They have tendencies, and are pretty predictable. They are located everywhere!  They can be the person serving you your plate of dinner, or counting your change at the bank.  Do not get sucked it to this breed.  Here are some warning signs that you may be an oaf (or even associate with oaf-a-licious people):

• one who can eat a rice krispy treat in one bite (but really needs the Costco size bars to satisfy any hunger)
• Mudd Jeans (Oafs were these as if they are some sort of brand and think they look good)
• Sweaty (not like hungover meat Schweatty, but like dripping down face sweat just from standing up)
• able to consume a plate of nachos in under a minute (this is without being part of any competitive eating)
• visiting Sonic as part of your daily ritual.  This seems to be the homeland for oafs.  I'm not sure what they give out there, but it must be something that keeps these lazy, buffoons going there.
• are keeping all lines at all fast food places long
• wear dirty white flip flops
• consume at least 2 cin-a-buns a week
• talk in an oafish voice that is not enjoyable to anyone
• constantly post pictures of your meals on facebook
• are a "daily" at the beach
• can be spotted at any local walmart
• drink Mr. Pibb
• talk in baby voices with fellow oafs
• think "grande" is the largest size at Starbucks
• eats mayo with a spoon
• works at Chick-Fila
• drives a stupid car, like a mini-cooper or smart car (only an oaf would purchase that)
• carries a fake bag and states it is real (cleary your bag says COUCH not COACH you dumb oaf)

The list can continue for days regarding these breed of human.  Beware!  You do not want to get sucked in and be an associate of this kind.  People may start considering you an oaf, which is one of the worst things that one can be called in the English langage.

This breed cannot be helped.  An oaf can never be changed into a normal human.  If you attempt this, the oaf can suck you into their oaf world.  Please be careful out there.  The world has enough of them.  Let them be.  I mean, c'mon, we need someone serving us our greasy food on hungover days!!

The Dailys

There are many things about Jersey I love, but like any play there are also many annoyances.  I love the shore and can sit on the beach for hours upon hours( mostly Squan, Belmar or Point).  It is a peaceful magical place, until the arrival of the Dailys!  These are a group of people who are ruining Jersey beaches.  They do not understand what it is like to go to the beach, and what a beach environment is.  These are not beach people.  These people come to the beach once a year and are just the most uncoordinated group ever! 
Non-Dailys, or Regulars, have seasonal beach badges, chairs, towels, sandals, matching cover-ups, books, and beach etiquette.  The Dailys are polar opposites.  Let me enlighten you, Dailys are: 

• the people you see at the beach sitting on a fitted sheet they ripped off there bed (Dailys do not always have beach chairs)
• the people who do not know how to screw an umbrella into the sand, therefore it hits a regular in the head while they are trying to nap
• they are wearing socks and sneakers
• they sit literally on top of you (when the entire beach is empty)
• they let their garbage blow all over the beach (even though the trash can is about 10 feet away)
• they were jean shorts instead of a bathing suit
• their children are naked as oppose to having some sort of swimsuit on
• they do not swim between the flags
• if a Daily happens to have a beach chair, they paid about $75 for it because they just purchased it from the most expensive shop in town
• they lose their kids on the beach
• they kick sand on your towel or blanket every time they walk by
• they are the palest people on the beach (normally)
• they do not have any reading material
• they sit in camping pop up chairs that blow all over the beach

If you or anyone you know has 2 or more of these qualities, I'm sorry to tell you but you are a Daily. They should a have a special beach for these types of people.  And if you feel the need to keep coming to our beaches, please just be considerate.