You Know You May Be Intoxicated If...(Alexis's Birthday Edition)

So we all may be getting a little old, but we still apparently know how to have a grand ol' time!  Friday night, was no exception.  So in typically blogging fashion, you know you may be intoxicated if:
-You remember being at a bar, but were not with anyone you came with
-You lose things, such as cameras
-You sing Wilson Philips at the top of your lungs
-You clearly drank all of the vodka at the bar, judging from your tab
-You cant remember who signed the check or tipped the bartender
-You make it all the way home, but them hit the car in the driveway
-You take pictures with your ex-boyfriends friends, because you want the flash to blind him
-You ask someone to send you pictures of floating penises
-You think throwing pizza boxes out of windows is completely acceptable
-You may have burnt your pants on the fire outside the bar
-You wake up on the sun
-You leave your jewelery in a candle because you thought it was a bowl
-You buy random people standing next to you shots
-You drink all of the water in Totowa the next morning
-You drive all the way to Brooklyn to get bagels (or kneaded the dough for the bagel, it's still up in the air)

And you absolutely know you were intoxicated, when you are unable to function for a full 48hrs.  You are so hungover you cannot even man up to go out.  You can barely drive...actually, you can barely walk.

All in all these qualities only mean you had a pretty awesome night.  I hope you enjoyed your birthday Lex, clearly the rest of us did!

Christmas Music

Why is it Christmas music can only be played from Black Friday, til New Years Eve?  It's the happiest music on earth but gets denied it's joy because there are too many Scrooges in the world.  I do agree this should not be played year round, because then what would people look forward to.  However, I feel as if some sort of petition should be started so Christmas music is acceptable for a solid 60 days. This should start on October 25th.  I mean it's not like it's going to hurt anyone.  Plus who really cares about Thanksgiving.  If you ask my opinion, it's a holiday for oafs.  You sit around and stuff your face until you can't even move....this is exactly what an oaf does on a day to day basis.  Plus there are no fun songs to compliment this holiday. 

I bet when most of you hear Mariah (AKA the GOD of Christmas music), you get excited and completely stop in your tracks.  Or what about a little Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays...who wasn't an Nsync fan in the nineties?!?!?! 

Maybe it's just me and I'm more joyful than all of you.  I personally love rockin around the Christmas tree, to jingle bell rock!!

The Difference in Being 22 and 28....

For the past 4 years, I have been the ripe age of 23.  It's the best age anyone can be, until you're actually not it anymore.  You realize that you're going to bed before 9, you have one drink and are wasted, and can't even imagine going out on a week night; you realize, "Oh My God!  I'm in my late 20's"!!  This is a tough thing to realize.  To help all of America with this realization I'm outlined some tips to help you spot that you are not longer in your early 20's:
-You wear a coat to the bar, while all the youngens run jacket-less in the freezing cold.
-You need more than a few hours to recover from a hangover (like a good 2 days)
-You can't puke and rally
-You wear clothes to the bar when you use to go out in bascially nothing
-You've gained a few extra pounds (Not that many just like 5)
-You can't make out with someone random on the dance floor
-You have a real job (that you have to go to not hungover)
-You cannot go out all night, not sleep and go to work
-Once you are drunk, you can't stay up and chat all night, you pass out (well before the sun rises)
-You wear a cover up on the beach, instead of just walking around in your bikini
-You go out at 9 when you use to not even get ready until 11
-You have a savings account
-The shows that come on passed 10pm, need to be DVR'ed because you can't keep your eyes open that long
-You don't mix vodka with water thinking it will keep you hydrated!!  (you have learned your lesson)
-You're happy wearing flats and not 6 inchers
-Your Halloween costume consists of more than booty shorts and pasties
-21yr olds annoy you
-People think you're old

I had to learn this the hard way.  It's not easy realizing your nearing death any day now, but I guess we all have to grow up sometime.  I hope I have helped those of you reading this....it's ok to get older, just never turn 30!

Ode to Cherry Vodka

It all started on the eve of the new year, no one was quite in the mood for beer.
We asked the bartender for some firefly, when he said "NO", I thought it was a lie.
We were in a bind, what to drink, we need a good find. 
I ordered some cherry and diets, with each sip we all turned quite. 
From that moment on three olives cherry was the drink, which was awesome because it was not girly and pink. 
With each taste it was like heaven on your lips, this was just something everyone loved to sip. 
This drink can get you into alot of trouble, you cant taste the liquor but then all the sudden you see double.  Red Bull may give you wings but cherry vodka gives you swagger, it makes you think you do move like Jagger. 
There is a downfall to this heavenly treat, it's called the hangover from hell, which is not a great feat.

Pink Jerseys

Being that the best season is approaching, that being football season, it reminds me of something that  bothers me more than any thing in the world.  This being the Pink Football Jersey.  Why was this item even invented?  All this does is bring out even more fake football fans.  Your boyfriend doesn't care if your supporting his team in your pink jersey, he would rather you pipe down and sit in the corner silently, since you clearly have no idea what is going on.  These girls are not real fans.  They cheer at inappropriate times, and cannot name any players on the team. You also very rarely see a girl in a pink jersey eating wings. ( which is also Un-American on football Sunday).  This girl is also the most annoying person at a game or a bar.  Please do not ask me questions about players or what just happened, you will not understand anyway.  Take the stupid rhinestones that are falling off the jersey and go sit at a table with children, because that is what you look like in this item, a child!  Also if you are in a pink jersey, please do not try to high five me when something great happens, that you have no idea of.  You're a fake fan and fake person, and I will not support this.  I personally suggest we take a stand against this terrible item and have pink jerseys banned from all sporting events.  They do not belong there.  Be a real fan and support your team, or don't be a fan at all....stupid pink jerseys!

Bikini Bottoms Are Not Pants

On my many Jersey Shore adventures, I discover many things, which I'm sure you may have noticed by now.  Attention girls: bikini bottoms are meant to be worn on the beach now in bars.  I completely understand going to a bar in a cover up, this is totally acceptable.  It is not acceptable to walk in with a wife beater which is too short for you and no bottoms, with your crack showing.  No one finds this attractive. 

The girls who tend to do this are also not the girls that should.  Why wouldn't your friends tell you and your thunder thighs need to put on shorts, a romper, a dress, even a freakin towel to cover up.  Especially when you are leaning over the bar trying to get drinks, (and think you should be served immediately because you are the hottest girl there) your ass is hanging out.  Not a little, but a lot. 

Most people do not want to sit in a seat after you have left, because your gross.  Guys do not like this.  Plus you are leaving your self open to anyone walking by to pull those babies down.  Do you not have any self respect or a mirror?  (there's one in every bathroom) 

All in all I have a message to the 17yr old bouncers, do not let these people in places.  They are ruining the shore along with the dailys!

Un-Pedicured Toes

All I have to say about this is seriously!?!?  In this day and age to find a women wearing a sandal, wedge, or flip flop with out a pedicure or some polish on their toes is just disgusting.  There is really no excuse for this type of faus paux.  I see people who are on food stamps paint their toes, which means people who are in Lord and Taylor can afford the $20 pedi.  Like why aren't your toes painted?  Did someone tell you that your natural nail color is attractive?  If so, they lied. 

Also why is that the people with the un-pedicured toes, have the worst looking feet.  These are the women with the hammer toes, missing nails, and toe hair.  They are the same women who try to squish their feet in a size 6 shoe when they are an 8.  That's not a good look ladies. 

If you are lucky enough to have not ran into any of these women, visit your local Costco.  They are in line for the free samples.  I'm sure you can find a good amount of these women in the shoe aisle of Wal-Mart, thinking they are buying designer shoes. These women are disgusting and really should not be allowed out.  Wear a sneaker or a pump.  Peep toes were meant for people with cute hot pink painted toes, not for toe fungus infested feet. 

All in all, if your toes are not painted, don't wear an open toed shoe.  No one wants to see that.